Sometimes I make mistakes.
And I am not perfect.
And I feel hopeless or scared or defeated.
But, then the Savior steps in.
And he knows what I feel, think, and want.
He lifts me up, he carries me, and he loves me.
Writing about him will never truly describe my feelings.
All I know is that he lives and because of him, I can be happy.
BALLOONS & BREAKFAST
Maxwell's first birthday was quite crazy. In the morning he woke up and we played with balloons. Jude who has the most ridiculous memory insisted we make belgian waffles with strawberries and banana because that what he had on his first birthday. (I told him that once, he doesn't actually remember eating it haha.) So we ate waffles! Poor Maxwell was quite grumpy and was not feeling well most all day but we celebrated anyway and he seemed to perk up by the evening.
At lunch time we met at The Pizza Factory for a number one pizza and he loved it! However the giant number one balloon that I had been calling around to find for weeks came off its string and flew up to the top of the restaurant. Don't worry though, that's not the end of the story. After going back to the balloon shop to get a new one or our money back (because Trenton insisted the string must have not been tied on good enough ) the shop was all out of them but gave him another balloon with a really long string and tape on it instead. Trenton then went back to the pizza factory and recovered the balloon. Wow! He's kind of awesome isn't he!? He did this all after we had left and I thought he was back at work.
While Trenton was recovering the balloon, we were around the corner dealing with the worst possible blow out. Maxwell's diaper leaked up his back, through his shirt, down his pants, and all over my arms. Thankfully my mom was with me and helped me clean up the mess on the side walk in ancestors square. jeep!
It was wonderful to come home to the balloon surprise after dealing with that.
The party was so much fun! I carried the number "one" throughout the theme and decor. We had a little projector for guests to view with pictures from Maxwell's first year. Trenton and I made a DIY marque number one to hang on the wall. (It was so fun to create it together.) I made the tassel garland and the birthday hat too - but Maxwell wouldn't be caught dead in that hat haha that so his personality! For food, we served the same menu as Jude's first birthday party. Hotdogs, potato salad, chips, fruit, cake & ice-cream.
My in-laws, the Baumanns, The Brazzeals, The Blacks, and My family all came and it was so squishy but so happy and wonderful!
Maxwell was skeptical about his cupcake but once he got a taste, he was so stoked and ate the entire thing. It was so adorable! His awesome aunt Kenzie cleaned him up and Trenton cleaned up the seat and chair while I ate cake! It was awesome haha!
Maxwell was spoiled with so many fun gifts too!
A LETTER TO MAXWELL, MY SECOND BORN
My second born. The boy who changed the way I parent and taught me to trust my instincts. To the boy who offers endless smiles, hilarious physical comedy, and the best slobber kisses.
Ball catcher, spoon feeder, expert toy taster.
To the boy that makes my heart smile. I see you and all that you have to offer. I want it all for you. I want you to be an athlete, a musician - or whatever you want to be.
I feel your pain when you bump your head or when your big brother shuts you out of your room. I feel your joy when you wake up in the morning and reach for me to pick you up.
Your laugh enters my ears and rests in my heart. Your tooth and gum smile is imprinted into my memory forever.
Those chubby little knees that soon will be bony.
You grow, you learn, you explore. You tell me how it is and what you want. You are strong.
Your power is so great for such a small person. Your charisma is contagious.
You are a little brother. You follow, love, cuddle, laugh, and play with your big brother.
You are our son. You love your dad so much. I see your dad in you - you will be a hard worker, strong, and true like him some day.
But right now you are one year old. You still need me. And as much as you push me to my limits, it hurts to imagine the day that you don't need me anymore.
I will forever love you my child. I love you with my whole heart and more. I will always be here for you.
You are an amazing little human Maxwell Morley Gardner. I want you to know that I try everyday to be the Mother you deserve. I will raise you good. I will teach you to have good manners and to be kind. I will teach you to work hard and to be strong. I will feed you good food and read you good stories. I will teach you about good music and dance and sing with you. I will comfort you when you are hurting and be your constant even when you don't want comfort. (Because I know you are stubborn.) I will always support you throughout your successes and failures. I will make sure you know how loved you are.
Thank you for being you.
To my Jude,
My first born. The boy who changed my heart for ever and taught me about unconditional love. To the boy who offers endless cuddles, the best bear hugs and a kiss every time I head out the door.
Tower builder, dinner maker, story reader.
To the boy that makes my heart ache - out of love and worry the same. I want it all for you. I want you to be a space ranger, a chef, a pirate - or whatever you want to be.
I feel your pain when you scrape your knee or feel sad. I feel your joy when you "did it!" all by yourself.
Your laugh enters my ears and rests in my heart. Your smile is imprinted into my memory forever.
Those chubby little hands that get thinner and longer each day.
You grow, you learn, you test your limits ...and mine.
Your heart is so big for such a small person. You love so fully.
You are a big brother. You comfort, play with, read to, sing to, feed, kiss, and hug your brother.
You are our son. You follow, help, and fix with your dad. You will be a good man like your father some day.
But right now you are three years old. You still need me and as much as I complain or as much as it exhausts me each and every day. It hurts to imagine the day that you don't need me any more.
I will forever love you, child of mine, with my whole heart and more. I will always be here for you.
You are an amazing little human Jude Howard Gardner. I want you to know that I try every day to be the Mother you deserve. I will raise you good. I will teach you to have good manners, and to be kind. I will teach you to be disciplined and to work hard. I will feed you good food and read you good stories. I will teach you about good music and dance to it with you all the while. I will comfort you when you are hurting and support you and encourage you throughout all your success and failures. I will make sure you know you are loved.
Thank you for being you.